Last month I published a scathing exposé revealing the startling news that, when cooked and mashed, cauliflower is still… cauliflower. Not potatoes or bread.

I’ve since uncovered even more food fraud, and am back to warn you.

First, take almond “milk.” If you want a whitish, more-or-less opaque liquid to mellow your coffee or blend into a shake, almond milk can certainly do the job. I also like it on cold cereal (on the rare occasions when I eat cereal). I’ve even sipped it from a glass, like dairy milk.

But don’t think it will taste like dairy milk, for the simple reason it isn’t dairy milk.

Coconut “flour” is another example. I bought a package to try. Instructions say to substitute it for 20% of the flour in baked goods.

Trust me, grinding coconut meat to a very fine meal does not make it taste like ground wheat. The only metamorphosis is that it turns any type of cookie into a macaroon.

And what about spaghetti squash? I really enjoy the stuff: steamed, pulled from the shell and slathered with garlic butter, salt, and Parmesan cheese. And yes, it resembles cooked angel hair pasta in color and shape. But for me, traditional meat-and-tomato sauce just tastes “wrong” on the squash.

Oddly, though, I find meat sauce delicious over other veggies, like eggplant and zucchini. But I don’t “spiralize” those veggies to fake myself into believing they are pasta. For one thing, I’d like to see someone trying to spiralize a raw eggplant. It would be like forcing packing peanuts through a pencil sharpener. As for zucchini, I’d think the fine shreds would be watery. I just sauté thick slices and pile on the sauce.

As near as I can figure, experimenting with different combinations is fun, but you can’t expect a new shape to change the basic taste or texture of a food.

After all, a packing peanut is still a packing peanut.

Bon appétit!
Thanks for reading,
Jan